Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Randomize
