Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
