We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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