he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
