The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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