i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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