I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
