My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
