i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
