so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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