Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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