Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
