and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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