I am midnight drunk by noon
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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