how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
