omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize