why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
