Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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