Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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