Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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