She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
