They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
