I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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