my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize