we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
