Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
