Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
