I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
