my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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