Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
