i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my shit smells like andre
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
