Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I deserve this hangover.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
