I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
