when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
