I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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