1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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