just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
