I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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