glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
