im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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