and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
