The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
