Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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