oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
