my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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