I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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