We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize