um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
