Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
