She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
