I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
