I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
