Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
