I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just high enough for therapy.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
