I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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