Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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