I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
