I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
