go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My vagina is officially offended.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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