I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
