$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
