He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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