I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
