You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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